I recently read an article in the New York Times, written by a psychiatrist, which concerned me.  It was about  his client – it seems that the client’s husband of 30 years told her that he felt stalled and not self-actualized—so “he began his search for self knowledge in the arms of another woman”—it wasn’t that he didn’t love her – he just didn’t find the relationship exciting. The author goes on to describe his client’s husband as a “narcissistic jerk.”

We live in an age in which crass epithets are in vogue.  It’s also fashionable to mock others and bandy about the N (narcissist) word in a careless fashion. The therapist and writer of the article makes an automatic assumption that a married man’s (or it could have been a woman) affair was a search for novelty and thrill.  He then proceeds to note that the more he learned about his client’s husband, the more he saw that the husband had always been a “self centered guy” – “a garden variety case of a middle aged narcissist.”

I believe we therapists have to be careful not to make judgments about our clients – in so doing, implicitly putting ourselves on a pedestal – Of course, we make judgments (appraisals) every day. It’s part of being human to engage in the process of evaluation— we must, in order to survive and thrive.

But if I engage in the process of labeling my clients or their spouses like “he’s a self-centered guy” or “narcissistic jerk”, how will this affect the way that I perceive them and relate to them? How will it affect the coaching process if I am full of opinions, judgments or even contempt? Will I be able to support them and help them to make the positive changes that they want to make?

More on this topic to follow very soon.

What do you think?  Any questions? Call me, Dr. Audrey at 602 762 7117 for a complimentary telephone session. I can also be contacted  at audrey@draudreygoldman.com and I would love to hear from you.

What can you do if the source of your misery is your own parent?  Dr. Richard Friedman thinks that whining about parental failure is practically an American pastime.  But, he points out,  just as there are good parents who mysteriously produce a difficult child, there are decent people who have the misfortune  of having a truly toxic parent.

In my work with a multitude of clients, I have observed that although many parents may be predisposed to love their children unconditionally and protect them from harm, this is not universal.  I have  worked  with many clients whose parents did not show love to their children or protect them from abuse.  I had one such client who had come to me for healing, particularly for help in building self- esteem.  She had been physically punished and beaten, emotionally abused, denied a voice and had been sexually violated by a close relative right under her parents’ noses.   My inclination at first was to encourage her to sever ties.  But because some abusive parents can sometimes learn to be loving, severing bonds should be a last resort.   I sensed this client’s desire to repair the relationship with her mother and also sensed her mother’s openness to this .  Though she was terribly wounded and angry, this young woman kept working to forge a better connection– this was  the only remaining parent she had.  It wasn’t until she could stand up to her mother and other family members complicit in the abuse that she could reclaim herself.  In this particular situation, the client was able, with help, to cobble together a better relationship with her mother and enter her own unique journey of healing.

What is your experience?  Share your thoughts.  I can be contacted at  audrey@draudreygoldman.com.

Back in the 80s – up in Vancouver at the University of British Columbia– it was somewhat of a novelty to ‘put marriages under the microscope.’ At the time, the world of therapy was not as evolved — many therapists and coaches had experienced roadblocks when trying to teach people how to talk to each other differently or use behavior exchange programs – –“If you take out the garbage, I’ll do the dishes.”

Emotionally Focused Couples’ Therapy (EFT) was in its infancy but we thought there had to be something better than just behavior training programs.  That’s when we decided to test the effectiveness of EFT.  The powerful positive results we found were amazing.

We looked at the anatomy of the fight cycles that couples get into (you may recognize such repetitive patterns in your own relationship) and helped them get under those cycles to the soft underbelly – to access the pain and vulnerable feelings under their angry reactions – the next step was for partners express those feelings to each other and ultimately feel more understood and accepted by each other.

Now, researchers are once again putting marital spats under the microscope to see if the way you fight with your spouse can affect your health. This time men and women were asked if they bottled up (known as “self-silencing”) their feelings during fights.  As you may have guessed, men did more bottling.  But, more surprising, women who didn’t speak their minds during the fights were more than four times as likely to die during the 10 year study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt.  In contrast, men who kept quiet during fights didn’t experience any measurable effects on their health. For a woman, suppressing feelings during conflict with her husband is doing something very negative to her physiology.

Arguing style had a different effect on men.  For a man, heart risk increased if disagreements with his wife involved a “battle for control.”  An example of a controlling comment made by a partner might be, “you really should just listen to me on this – because I said so!”

What do you think?  What have you found in your relationship?   I can be contacted at audrey@draudreygoldman.com and I would love to hear from you!  See my longer article on my website on Marital Spats.

There were  times that I wished I had been more sophisticated in my responses when my children were small.  One thing that I began to do as I travelled along in my parenting  journey was  “talking to children while I am doing things” like talking about where we are going  and what we  will do once we get there  and who and what we’ll see.

The thing that really stands out for me is the idea that babies need to hear our calm, reassuring voices to feel safe — so that gives us a lot of latitude to “babble away.”

What do you Think ?  For More Information on Family Communication and Helping Children Express Emotions call me, Dr. Audrey at 602 762 7117 for a complimentary telephone session. I can also be contacted at audrey@draudreygoldman.com and I would love to hear from you  — or read your responses.

Helping Children Use Their Words

In my consulting work in the schools, I am always most impressed when I hear a teacher say to a child who has just had an angry outburst, “Jamie, can you use your words to tell us what’s wrong, please?”  In this way, she is encouraging her students to use words instead of actions to express their emotions.  Such teachers are wise and know that open communication is the cornerstone of strong relationships.

Open communication depends upon listening, upon expressing ideas and feelings and upon reaching mutual understanding.  When this happens in families, parents and children can validate one another’s ideas, emotions, and needs.  In this way, all members of the family can be empowered.

It is difficult for children to put their emotions into words. They are more inclined to have an emotional outburst than to say, “I’m mad at you,” and to explain why.  Their inclinations are to act out their feelings rather than use words to express them. Children need to learn from us how to find words to communicate their feelings.  We can model communication by verbally expressing our feelings instead of simply acting upon them. For example, if you have a headache, you can explain this to your child.  This helps your child understand and accept your irritable mood more than your angry words do.

When we help them learn to use words instead of actions to communicate their feelings effectively, children gain confidence in themselves. When we don‘t, children ineffectively relieve their tensions in emotional outbursts.  This is frustrating  both to them and to us.

Children often blur boundaries between self and other.  Young children do not distinguish between the emotions and actions of others and their own.  Because of this, young children readily assume that others caused their behavior. “He made me do it,” is a frequent allegation by a sibling. Children need help in separating the acts of the other person from their own emotional reactions to those acts and from their own subsequent behavior.

How we handle our emotional reactions to other people is our personal responsibility. We can counterattack in an emotional way, or we can use words to express our feelings. The most useful response when others hurt our feelings is to honestly say that our feelings are hurt.  We are better served by verbally communicating our feelings to others, rather than by blindly acting upon them.

Any questions?  For More Information on Family Communication and Helping Children Express Emotions call me, Dr. Audrey at 602 762 7117 for a complimentary telephone session. I can also be contacted at audrey@draudreygoldman.com and I would love to hear from you.